Hate And The Two Me

I hate you. I don’t need you.

Many people say that hating is a waste of time and that anger only ruins you. Well, they are right but what if I can’t control it? I have a lot of people who I really despise and the list just keeps growing. Why do people keep doing things that will make me hate them?

A psychologist will tell you to work on your anger. “Let it all out.” They will say. But who am I without that burning ball of hatred and anger in me? I’ve been wronged many times, even from when I was little, and all those disappointments and sadness has turned into anger. Now I want revenge.

I grew with the anger in me. Anger has formed who I am today. It’s a part of me and it gets me thinking. If I let it all out, if I lose all the anger, won’t it be like losing a piece of me? I don’t want that now, do I?

On the surface, I want to move on and just forget all of it. The betrayal, the curses, but a huge part of me just can’t let it go. The thought of getting revenge is what fuels me. It keeps me going day in and day out. If I lose it, will I even be as motivated as I am now? This is what bothers me the most when I go see my psychologist. Will she say something that will make me want to get rid of that part of myself? The person I was born with will still live on but the one that developed with time will die. But she is the one who keeps me alive. I can’t let her die, right? Even if it means sacrificing the first me. What if I can make them both work together, the sympathetic me and the apathetic me? Won’t it be a good match? I need them both.

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Without her, I will get hurt. I will become the naive me who gets played with by everyone. Without her, I will hurt others. I will become the apathetic and uncaring one who will end up alone. Which one do I prefer? I don’t know. I don’t want to choose between them. I need to balance them so they can work together. But in the end, the apathetic me will always dominate the sympathetic me.

“And the thing is, I don’t mind her taking over.”

 

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